One foot in front of the other...

Little one. You are a big sister now. It's been over a year since I have decided to write something to you, and now I feel I must write for both you and your brother.

Today I want to tell you how in the middle of a manic morning I was able to stop and marvel at your bare feet. They have all of a sudden gathered rough spots. When running my fingers over your feet and oohing at your toes, I noticed... at your heels, slight patches of dry skin. They're not like Jack's feet at all. He still has baby-smooth skin, despite running around without socks and shoes. Are you growing up, my first born? Ha - saying that makes it sound as if I would one day have one or two more babies... but that's not the plan these days.

You're two and a half years old and bright as can be. Daddy and I love when you surprise us by saying something so beyond your years - and there are always people commenting about how articulate you are. It really is so remarkable. You will never know how lucky I feel to be your mom. 

Hopefully with this first dip back into jotting thoughts down for you both I can collect something you will one day be able to enjoy. Insight into the craziness of caring for what a year ago I would have called "two under two." Now there's no cute phrase... Jack is 16 months and you are 5 months away from turning three. We have been trying to teach Jack to walk holding hands and just the simple act of being between the two of you and walking you from the car to a building bursts my heart and makes me hear all of the voices in my head of the people who have said, over and over, IT GOES SO FAST.

Postpartum: 18 weeks old!

Time traveling Mommy here... almost a year later, back to jot down somethings I hope will one day be insightful for you. I just laid you down in your Pack-n-Play and am listening to you stir. I think if I just commit to 10-15 minutes a day I can really boost my output here. It's amazing how quickly the days go. A few things to note, in simple form:

Your birthday was on a Saturday
You just turned four months old
You have the most beautiful blue eyes and a smile that makes your entire face glow
Favorite things: bath time, car keys, standing up
You were named after your daddy and your middle name is the feminine for John

We still keep you in our room, and it makes me sad that so many people advise me not to, or warn that keeping you so close to me will bite me in the future, when you're old enough to realize that I'm laying you down in your own room and not ours. There is something so wonderful about having you close to me, in my arms, near my heart - I have to be honest, I have at least one thought a day that centers around how absolutely vital you are to me... what I would do if I lost you, I can't even wrap my head around the gravity of that. I hold you and often think of that moment on July 6 when the doctor first showed me your face... and I thought, There she is... we made her, she is real.

Little one, maybe I will be able to give you something here that will be important to someday. This is spontaneous for me... I could possibly be more structured, and focused. Possibly.

Today we are supposed to visit a gym just for you. More to come!

18 weeks, 6 days

Dear Baby,

Nothing more to report this week than a slew of grumpy days. It is hard work being out of the house for so many hours each day. Last weekend we visited with Daddy's parents, your grandparents. I spent most of the car ride browsing lists of names. I think I found a favorite, but we have to wait for your father to mull it over.

This coming weekend will be busy but fun. I am looking forward to a day off from work and maybe a snow day.

XO,
Mommy

18 weeks

Hey lady!

Yes, that's right! And we (Daddy and I) are just thrilled! I know I should have taken time to write about the day I told you I was anxiously waiting for. It became something I just savored, and let absorb. Here's your recap...

Our U/S tech was a bubbly woman with a voice that carried ... so very nice, and not at all taken back that your Daddy and Grandma Tina were our guests. She told us to all get comfortable. I was to lay down flat which drives me nuts because my belly feels so tight when I do this - it reminds me of ab work from long, long ago :) Next she outlined our agenda, telling us we were to look at my cervix first, your organs, everything she needed to measure, and then, your gender. Well, what a surprise, and we wonder now if it was her plan all along, but just minutes into things, she exclaims, "And that there... is the labia of a vagina..."

Holy cow!!! I thought for a second, is this real?! I asked, silly me, "That means she's a girl???" All the while your Daddy sat there with the sweetest smile on his face and your Grandma jumped up and down, thanking God for answering her prayers (and mine).

What an amazing, amazing day. And more than that, you passed ALL your tests ... everyone we saw that day affirmed we're all set for a healthy pregnancy.

I left with pictures of you... looking sleepy and beautiful in my belly. You are head down they say, and on your U/S printout, your heart is heart-shaped. I have tucked these photos all away in a book that will need to be better organized.

Tonight your Daddy and I are going to a hockey game. Hopefully you're now his official good luck charm. You have been my symbol of luck since October.

Love,
Mommy

17 weeks, 4 days

Sweet Pea,

You are a book with three authors. A page-turner I've waited my whole life to read.

Tomorrow, we get to peek at your biography. I am both calm and anxious, knowing your story was penned, in part, by God.

Reading into you, I turn a chapter in my own life.
I promise, no matter the outcome, to cherish each and every page.

Love,
Mommy

17 weeks, 3 days

Good morning Baby,

This is my first letter to you, and so long overdue. I told myself I had to muster up the courage to get my thoughts down before we see you again (this Tuesday) and learn whether we'll be referring to you as her or him.

What an act of bravery to be writing to a 17-week-old baby, I know! Well, you see, there are so many days that pass where I feel like I still need to keep you a secret, that the more I celebrate the idea of you, the more I'll have to lose should anything go wrong. To put it simply, you're just too good to be true... but you are real, and all mine until July! Until then, I am making a promise to check in with you here. Everything is yours... my notes, thoughts, observations, photos -- anything you might be curious about years and years from now.